Lack of discipline (one foot in the door)
I'm trying to quit smoking cigarettes and it is so very hard. I understand the underlying causes of my addiction. I understand that it's bad for my body. I understand it's not good in the eyes of my faith. I understand it causes my brother great concern.
But there's just something missing. I don't want to just say I'm not ready to quit, because mentally speaking, I do want to quit.
Yet, none of these things impact me in the way that they should. I don't feel it in my heart. There's no drive behind it at all.
I smoke because of 3 things.
Boredom
Strong emotions - both unwelcome and welcome
Comfort
This is my only vice left and I'd truly like to get rid of it, but no matter how much I try to convince myself, it's just not there.
I've tried quitting cold turkey. That lasted maybe 14 hours.
I've tried quitting with lozenges. That lasted 26 hours.
I've been trying to steadily decrease my smoking, which has largely failed. I'm pretty much back to where I started after 10 days.
I talked with my doctor and he's got a few things he can prescribe but honestly, medications have never had an effect on me. Ever. Of any kind. So there is significant doubt that it'll even work.
The longest I've ever gone without smoking was 4 months when I was in Basic Combat Training. Which I understand I didn't have access to cigarettes, plus I was busy pretty much 24/7 which led to no withdrawals of any kind. Though, the day I got out, the very first thing I did was buy a pack.
So that didn't break the addiction either. Because it's my go to for everything.
Feel a really warm fuzzy feeling praising Jesus? Need a smoke.
Feel utterly defeated because I smoke? Need a smoke.
Wake up? Smoke.
Eat? Smoke.
Play a game? Smoke.
Take a bus? Smoke.
Smoke, smoke, smoke.
I'm trying to detach myself from the behavior by putting my supply on the opposite side of my room, where I have to sit on a thin yoga mat that doesn't really protect my ankles from the hardwood floor, nor is it comfortable for my back or neck.
Trying to attach discomfort to the action.
I've tried everything and honestly I just can't quit. Even though I know how concerned my brother is for me. Even though I know I'm making Jesus cry every time I light up. Even though I know I'd have exponentially more energy than I have now. I wouldn't cough nearly as much or nearly as severely.
I know all these things and I want it to break my heart. But it doesn't. It doesn't feel like there's anything there to break.
But I'm not willing to give up. I am going to defeat this, one way or another.
I kind of feel like I just need to look at this in the same way as I don't feel anything in regards to my brother, God, or my health. Just indifferent.
Be indifferent about the addiction. That's really all I have left.