Wrecked by I Saw the TV Glow

I (21mtf?) have gone back and forth with my own questioning over the past several months now. I've known about transness for a long time, and have even had friends and partners before that were trans, but it's only been recently that I have seriously considered the possibility that I might be, too.

I watched this movie with my boyfriend last night, and it completely wrecked me. Like, multiple bouts of crying my eyes out in bed afterwards wrecked me.

Owen isn't the protagonist of the movie, Maddy is. Maddy figures out 'real life' IS the midnight realm, she eventually finds a way back, and she is the one who intentionally returns to try to help Owen escape. After Owen runs away from her on the football field, that's it. There's no one else who can give Owen the push to accept herself, and she has a completely soulless life, devoid of any meaning or change.

Of course, the moment that hit me the hardest initially was Owen screaming out during the birthday party. Just the sudden realization that life is a lie, that she's been literally dying this entire time, and calling out for her mommy. It's heart-wrenching.

What hit me the hardest after watching the movie, though, was the scene we are only shown fragments of throughout the movie: Owen putting on the dress and showing Maddy.

The expression both of them had were just so... Real, and relatable. I know so well the experience of never really LOOKING at myself in the mirror day to day, but when wearing a dress, having that bottled, bashfully joyful expression on my face when I finally see myself in the reflection and like what I see. And I also know the exact look someone who really loves me gets when they see how happy and pretty I feel.

I relate SO heavily to the repeated rejection. When Maddy tries to get Owen to run away with her the first time, Owen goes and rats then both out, and Owen tackles Maddy on the football field and runs away when they're about to get into their coffins to return to their true world. It's so difficult to change the status quo of your life. There's comfort in the relationships I have with many people in my life, and I'm scared about how they may change or go away as I get more serious about the possibility of transitioning. Most of the time, I've just been burying my head in the sand.

But I don't want to go 10, 20, 30 years living as a passenger in my own life, until I reach my breaking point and realize I've been slowly killing myself inside the entire time.

To cut myself open and there to be nothing but tv static.

To be limping, gasping for air, on the brink of death, and still more worried about what everyone around me thinks. Apologizing for my own suffering.